As a former smoker and then suddenly being diagnosed with cancer I can NOT fathom how many people continue to smoke through out their cancer experience. If there was ever a time for a wakeup call if would be now!
It is one thing to preach to others on quiting...I KNOW it is not an easy thing to accomplish. I tried a few times in the past 15 years but never managed more than a few weeks.
Having my life appear on death's door opened my eyes to want to live and smoking had no part my survival. This is why it is so hard for those not going through such a life altering experience to be able to do it themselves. You think you are invincible and nothing will happen to you....maybe but then again you never know when it might.
I also never realized how much the cigarette smoke stinks up the whole car and also comes out of your lungs inside the house LONG after you put it out...outside. Hard when someone you love continues to smoke!!!So disgusting....such a dirty habit...such a waste of money!!
Do yourself a favour and TRY to quit.....and never give up trying to quit until you do....One day you will wake up and say enough is enough....hopefully not when you see someone die from cancer around you....hopefully not when you have been diagnosed yourself.
Stop smoking and start taking fresh air into your lungs and for the first time in a long time...breathe!!
Friday 13 April 2012
5. Surgery at Sunnybrook....November 2011
I went for a pre-op admission appointment a Sunnybrook on November 15th. Went through step by step what would be happening the day of my surgery.
I had to ask a lot of questions and tell them about the numerous "healthy" all natural supplements I was taking. The nurse told me to stop the following as they could interfere with surgery and may complicate recovery and blood flow: Essiac, Probiotics, Omega 3, Tlc.30, all anitioxidants in excess. Regular vitamins were okay to take such as my calcium, D, zinc etc. I was also told NO nail polish, no perfumes or lotions or makeup. I was also informed how to take the Fleet enema that I would have to do the night before surgery (lovely experience....worked wonderfully to clean out intestines!)
On November 18th I went for a CT scan in preparation for the surgery. I received the news the day before surgery that they had found another pelvic mass.....
"Central pelvic mass measuring 7.5 x 6 .6 cm, image 135, with irregular thick nodular enhancing walls, with a cystic appearing centrally. The rectum is displaced posteriorly, and is intimately related to the mass without evidence of proximal
obstruction. The uterus at the level below or uterine segment is intimately related to the mass again with no clear fat plane present.
Pelvic adenopathy is noted:
-right iliac bifurcation lymph node 1.5 x 3.5 cm"
Of course this was sobering news...but it was if I had become numb to receiving what normally would be shattering news such as this. I knew that in a few days I would be having surgery and what better time to get this news when they were already going in and it would be all removed. The Dr. informed me I would most likely be having open surgery as opposed to laporascopic so they could get in there and see what was going on and be able to remvove everything properly. I had been wanting "open" surgery from the beginning ...I wanted them to get in there and get every bit of cancer they could possible see!
I arranged with Rose Miller, friend and "boss" for my "Sick leave of Absence" from Realstar, my job would be waiting for me when I was recovered...however I would not receive benefits or sick pay. One negative thing about Realstar. I think if you have been with the company for over a year you should be entitled to some sort of program. I arranged with Unemplyment for sick benefits...a big drop in $ coming in but I knew we would manage...despite my shopping each week at Planet Organic. :)
On the morning of November 24th I woke up early...had difficulty sleeping...wonder why? lol I took a shower, finished packing my "over night bag".....we headed to Sunnybrook. I checked in...was sent to change into the lovely blue gowns they provide...thank goodness for the 2nd one or my backside would have been flashing for all to see. Instead of the flimsy blue foot covers they provide...I saw in a box these "cute" tighter slippers in blue and green...I grabbed a pair and pulled them on. On the top was a smiley face.....made me smile...how can you not. I have always LOVED smiley faces and also love making faces on dirty car windows.
I was taken into a room to prepare for surgery. I was given a pre-op medication and my arm was prepared w/IV site. Johnny waited with me. It was a sobering time...scary but relieving as well. I just wanted to go home and lie in John's arms and snuggle and make this all go away. Not my lot in life however so here we go....
It was finally time to head up to the OR. Johnny gave me a sweet kiss and told me everything would be fine. I knew he would be waiting for me when I came out of the anesthetic. I had tears in my eyes and just wanted to go and get this over with he stopped the stretcher to grab a bobby pin I had left in my hair.
I was taken on my stretcher to wait outside the OR. I met the "team"..nurses and anesthesiologist. Dr. Covens came and said hello and reminded me that they would be doing an open surgery due to the mass found on the last CT scan.
Once I was taken into the room I was put onto the actual operating table and the room became a bee-hive of activity. I was strapped down and finally given the anesthic and told to count backwards....the smell of the anesthetic was overwhelming and I felt panicky but it quickly sent me under and out.
The following is the surgical report summarized by Dr. Covens and his team. A little technical but tells it better than I can:
"With the patient under general anesthetic, she was prepped and draped in semi-lithotomy position. A
Foley catheter was inserted into the bladder. A 1 cm supraumbilical incision was made in the skin
and taken down to the peritoneal cavity, which was entered uneventfully. Two lateral 5 mm ports were
inserted. Visualization revealed there to be a mass in the rectovaginal septum, which was palpated
on pelvirectal examination. It was deemed that she would likely need an anterior resection, and
therefore conversion to a laparotomy was performed. The patient was informed of this preoperatively.
A midline incision was made from the symphysis pubis up above the umbilicus. Exploration of the
abdominal contents revealed there to be no abnormalities outside of this mass in the rectovaginal
septum. It was felt that it likely was a clear cell cancer arising in the previous site of
endometriosis. She did have a suspicious-feeling right periaortic node.
The retroperitoneum was opened up bilaterally, the ureters identified, infundibulopelvic ligaments
clamped, divided and tied. The bladder peritoneum was incised and reflected inferiorly off the
vagina. The uterine vessels clamped, divided and tied. Cardinal uterosacral ligaments clamped,
divided and tied. The vagina incised, and the specimen consisting of uterus, cervix, right ovary and
tube removed. An attempt was to made to resect this mass without an anterior resection, and it was
deemed unsuccessful, and therefore a suitable area on the sigmoid colon was identified. It was
divided with a GIA, the mesentery rendered hemostatic with surgical ties. The pre-sacral space
opened up after clamping the superior rectal artery and vein. The lateral attachments were
cauterized. A 1 to 2 cm posterior vaginal wall had to be incised to get clearance around this mass.
The distal rectum was identified and fired across with a TA 55 3.5 staple. The rest of the mesentery
was rendered hemostatic with clamps and ties. The bowel was then sized to a #28. The superior
sigmoid colon was mobilized on its vasculature, keeping the inferior mesenteric artery and vein
intact. A tension-free anastomosis was going to easily be obtained, the anvil inserted and brought
out just proximal to the staple line in the antimesenteric border. The distal staple line was
oversewn with 3-0 Biosyn after using the TA 55. A tension-free anastomosis performed. Both donut
rings of the bowel were identified, and an underwater seal was confirmed with air insufflated into
the rectum. At this point an infracolic omentectomy was performed in the usual fashion, as well as a
right common iliac and periaortic and left common iliac periaortic node dissection. Hemostasis was
achieved with the use of Hemoclip and cautery and some fibrillar placed in the dissected beds. A
Jackson-Pratt drain brought in through a left lower quadrant incision was placed posterior to the
anastomosis and some fibrillar placed in the pelvis. A #34 Malecot catheter was inserted into the
rectum and sutured in.
The fascia was closed with a running loop Maxon. Skin was closed with clips. The estimated blood
loss was approximately 1000 cc. Sponge and instrument counts were correct. The patient was awakened
from anesthetic and taken to Recovery in stable condition."
I was fianlly taken up to my room where I was supposed to be for 3-4 days. I was on the 6th floor, D-wing (surgical oncology) in room #649 (Go buy a lottery ticket Johnny) I was in the 1st bed when you come in the room but the next day transferred over to the window bed when my 1st room mate left. Sooooo wonderful to have a bed with a view, saw part of the park, the eastern skyline of the city which included my "twin towers"
One of the benefits of having open surgery I was hooked up to a pain pump. It was Hydromorphine which is stronger than regular morpine. The pump allowed you to medicate yourself without having needles constantly. It did have a "lockout" so you could only press the button a certain amount. Worked GREAT....considering being cut open with 35 staples, 2 taped camera sights, a drainage tube and a rectal tube..... having it was much appreciated.
I had lots visitors, besides John & Neiman, Jack & Zulmira, Mom & Dad and Alanna, Lourdes, Rose, Gofrado and Christine, Paula, Denise, Ayrine and of course Joe and Laura. I had the window ledge of my room covered in flowers...it looked like a flower shop....so pretty to look at...the nurses said they could smell how nice they were before they walked in the room. Gofrado and Chris brought me a few magazines and scratch tickets...I won $25.00 :) Rose brought me some organic fruit and granola bars. It was such a nice feeling to know there was such a wonderful support system around me.
They removed the pain pump on the 28th. On the 29th they removed the "poopoo" tube and bag. So happy to have that removed...it smelled so bad every time you passed wind etc. I had my new room mate , Joan Chapman, "move in". She was 85 and just had surgery to remove a tumour attached to her bladder. She is such a wonderul warm woman, full of spirit and soooo positive. Such a great person to have around during recovery.
On the evening of the 29th....early morning of the 30th I started feeling nauseous and began throwing up in the middle of the night, all that was coming up was a green bile like liquid....but it would not stop. The Dr. instructed the nurses to insert an NG tube (nastrogastric tube) down my throat and into stomach. It was a horrible exerience as they had to try twice to get tube down. They had to insert through the nose and down throat into stomach. I was taken off food and had IV only...a few ice chips were allowed. :( I looked like an elephant woman the way the tube was taped on the outside to my nose with the tube coming outside as well!) My throat started hurting and it was extremely painful to swallow. I felt miserable and told John I didn't want any visitors or phonecalls during this time as I couldn't talk from the pain in my vocal area.
I had a CT scan done on the 30th of November. I had another done on the 2nd of December. They inserted fluid in through NG tube and inserted constrast directly into the rectum. FUN. There was nothing really to be concerned about. The bowels and intestines were adjusting from surgery and it may have been the chicken sandwhich John brought me to eat (the Dr. DID say family could bring us food but it might have been tooooo much tooooo soon. Slowed things down a bit.
I never thought I would say this but farting and pooping became the highlight of my days. A thing of beauty to be celebrated! They made the decision to cap off the NG tube for the day and night to see how I handle it. I made it through the night and managed with ice chips to soothe my throat.
December 3rd the Dr approve the removal of the NG tube...I had tears in my eyes when they told me and I cried because I was so happy after it was out. I was now going to graduate to a fluid diet...soft solid the next day and regular on the day after. Whoooooohoooooo.
Johnny supplied me with lots of movies as I had my laptop to keep me company and my blackberry to stay in touch with everyone!! Mom sent me many emails which were wonderful and Alanna and Laura stayed in touch every day. Paula sent some uplifting texts as well as Rose.
They decided to let me go home on December 5th!!! Soooo happy!! The surgeon removed the surgical drain tube......
I had to ask a lot of questions and tell them about the numerous "healthy" all natural supplements I was taking. The nurse told me to stop the following as they could interfere with surgery and may complicate recovery and blood flow: Essiac, Probiotics, Omega 3, Tlc.30, all anitioxidants in excess. Regular vitamins were okay to take such as my calcium, D, zinc etc. I was also told NO nail polish, no perfumes or lotions or makeup. I was also informed how to take the Fleet enema that I would have to do the night before surgery (lovely experience....worked wonderfully to clean out intestines!)
On November 18th I went for a CT scan in preparation for the surgery. I received the news the day before surgery that they had found another pelvic mass.....
"Central pelvic mass measuring 7.5 x 6 .6 cm, image 135, with irregular thick nodular enhancing walls, with a cystic appearing centrally. The rectum is displaced posteriorly, and is intimately related to the mass without evidence of proximal
obstruction. The uterus at the level below or uterine segment is intimately related to the mass again with no clear fat plane present.
Pelvic adenopathy is noted:
-right iliac bifurcation lymph node 1.5 x 3.5 cm"
Of course this was sobering news...but it was if I had become numb to receiving what normally would be shattering news such as this. I knew that in a few days I would be having surgery and what better time to get this news when they were already going in and it would be all removed. The Dr. informed me I would most likely be having open surgery as opposed to laporascopic so they could get in there and see what was going on and be able to remvove everything properly. I had been wanting "open" surgery from the beginning ...I wanted them to get in there and get every bit of cancer they could possible see!
I arranged with Rose Miller, friend and "boss" for my "Sick leave of Absence" from Realstar, my job would be waiting for me when I was recovered...however I would not receive benefits or sick pay. One negative thing about Realstar. I think if you have been with the company for over a year you should be entitled to some sort of program. I arranged with Unemplyment for sick benefits...a big drop in $ coming in but I knew we would manage...despite my shopping each week at Planet Organic. :)
On the morning of November 24th I woke up early...had difficulty sleeping...wonder why? lol I took a shower, finished packing my "over night bag".....we headed to Sunnybrook. I checked in...was sent to change into the lovely blue gowns they provide...thank goodness for the 2nd one or my backside would have been flashing for all to see. Instead of the flimsy blue foot covers they provide...I saw in a box these "cute" tighter slippers in blue and green...I grabbed a pair and pulled them on. On the top was a smiley face.....made me smile...how can you not. I have always LOVED smiley faces and also love making faces on dirty car windows.
I was taken into a room to prepare for surgery. I was given a pre-op medication and my arm was prepared w/IV site. Johnny waited with me. It was a sobering time...scary but relieving as well. I just wanted to go home and lie in John's arms and snuggle and make this all go away. Not my lot in life however so here we go....
It was finally time to head up to the OR. Johnny gave me a sweet kiss and told me everything would be fine. I knew he would be waiting for me when I came out of the anesthetic. I had tears in my eyes and just wanted to go and get this over with he stopped the stretcher to grab a bobby pin I had left in my hair.
I was taken on my stretcher to wait outside the OR. I met the "team"..nurses and anesthesiologist. Dr. Covens came and said hello and reminded me that they would be doing an open surgery due to the mass found on the last CT scan.
Once I was taken into the room I was put onto the actual operating table and the room became a bee-hive of activity. I was strapped down and finally given the anesthic and told to count backwards....the smell of the anesthetic was overwhelming and I felt panicky but it quickly sent me under and out.
The following is the surgical report summarized by Dr. Covens and his team. A little technical but tells it better than I can:
"With the patient under general anesthetic, she was prepped and draped in semi-lithotomy position. A
Foley catheter was inserted into the bladder. A 1 cm supraumbilical incision was made in the skin
and taken down to the peritoneal cavity, which was entered uneventfully. Two lateral 5 mm ports were
inserted. Visualization revealed there to be a mass in the rectovaginal septum, which was palpated
on pelvirectal examination. It was deemed that she would likely need an anterior resection, and
therefore conversion to a laparotomy was performed. The patient was informed of this preoperatively.
A midline incision was made from the symphysis pubis up above the umbilicus. Exploration of the
abdominal contents revealed there to be no abnormalities outside of this mass in the rectovaginal
septum. It was felt that it likely was a clear cell cancer arising in the previous site of
endometriosis. She did have a suspicious-feeling right periaortic node.
The retroperitoneum was opened up bilaterally, the ureters identified, infundibulopelvic ligaments
clamped, divided and tied. The bladder peritoneum was incised and reflected inferiorly off the
vagina. The uterine vessels clamped, divided and tied. Cardinal uterosacral ligaments clamped,
divided and tied. The vagina incised, and the specimen consisting of uterus, cervix, right ovary and
tube removed. An attempt was to made to resect this mass without an anterior resection, and it was
deemed unsuccessful, and therefore a suitable area on the sigmoid colon was identified. It was
divided with a GIA, the mesentery rendered hemostatic with surgical ties. The pre-sacral space
opened up after clamping the superior rectal artery and vein. The lateral attachments were
cauterized. A 1 to 2 cm posterior vaginal wall had to be incised to get clearance around this mass.
The distal rectum was identified and fired across with a TA 55 3.5 staple. The rest of the mesentery
was rendered hemostatic with clamps and ties. The bowel was then sized to a #28. The superior
sigmoid colon was mobilized on its vasculature, keeping the inferior mesenteric artery and vein
intact. A tension-free anastomosis was going to easily be obtained, the anvil inserted and brought
out just proximal to the staple line in the antimesenteric border. The distal staple line was
oversewn with 3-0 Biosyn after using the TA 55. A tension-free anastomosis performed. Both donut
rings of the bowel were identified, and an underwater seal was confirmed with air insufflated into
the rectum. At this point an infracolic omentectomy was performed in the usual fashion, as well as a
right common iliac and periaortic and left common iliac periaortic node dissection. Hemostasis was
achieved with the use of Hemoclip and cautery and some fibrillar placed in the dissected beds. A
Jackson-Pratt drain brought in through a left lower quadrant incision was placed posterior to the
anastomosis and some fibrillar placed in the pelvis. A #34 Malecot catheter was inserted into the
rectum and sutured in.
The fascia was closed with a running loop Maxon. Skin was closed with clips. The estimated blood
loss was approximately 1000 cc. Sponge and instrument counts were correct. The patient was awakened
from anesthetic and taken to Recovery in stable condition."
I was fianlly taken up to my room where I was supposed to be for 3-4 days. I was on the 6th floor, D-wing (surgical oncology) in room #649 (Go buy a lottery ticket Johnny) I was in the 1st bed when you come in the room but the next day transferred over to the window bed when my 1st room mate left. Sooooo wonderful to have a bed with a view, saw part of the park, the eastern skyline of the city which included my "twin towers"
It was nice having such a wonderul view seeing the sun rise in the morning and feeling the sunlight on my face throughout the day.
One of the benefits of having open surgery I was hooked up to a pain pump. It was Hydromorphine which is stronger than regular morpine. The pump allowed you to medicate yourself without having needles constantly. It did have a "lockout" so you could only press the button a certain amount. Worked GREAT....considering being cut open with 35 staples, 2 taped camera sights, a drainage tube and a rectal tube..... having it was much appreciated.
I had lots visitors, besides John & Neiman, Jack & Zulmira, Mom & Dad and Alanna, Lourdes, Rose, Gofrado and Christine, Paula, Denise, Ayrine and of course Joe and Laura. I had the window ledge of my room covered in flowers...it looked like a flower shop....so pretty to look at...the nurses said they could smell how nice they were before they walked in the room. Gofrado and Chris brought me a few magazines and scratch tickets...I won $25.00 :) Rose brought me some organic fruit and granola bars. It was such a nice feeling to know there was such a wonderful support system around me.
They removed the pain pump on the 28th. On the 29th they removed the "poopoo" tube and bag. So happy to have that removed...it smelled so bad every time you passed wind etc. I had my new room mate , Joan Chapman, "move in". She was 85 and just had surgery to remove a tumour attached to her bladder. She is such a wonderul warm woman, full of spirit and soooo positive. Such a great person to have around during recovery.
On the evening of the 29th....early morning of the 30th I started feeling nauseous and began throwing up in the middle of the night, all that was coming up was a green bile like liquid....but it would not stop. The Dr. instructed the nurses to insert an NG tube (nastrogastric tube) down my throat and into stomach. It was a horrible exerience as they had to try twice to get tube down. They had to insert through the nose and down throat into stomach. I was taken off food and had IV only...a few ice chips were allowed. :( I looked like an elephant woman the way the tube was taped on the outside to my nose with the tube coming outside as well!) My throat started hurting and it was extremely painful to swallow. I felt miserable and told John I didn't want any visitors or phonecalls during this time as I couldn't talk from the pain in my vocal area.
I had a CT scan done on the 30th of November. I had another done on the 2nd of December. They inserted fluid in through NG tube and inserted constrast directly into the rectum. FUN. There was nothing really to be concerned about. The bowels and intestines were adjusting from surgery and it may have been the chicken sandwhich John brought me to eat (the Dr. DID say family could bring us food but it might have been tooooo much tooooo soon. Slowed things down a bit.
I never thought I would say this but farting and pooping became the highlight of my days. A thing of beauty to be celebrated! They made the decision to cap off the NG tube for the day and night to see how I handle it. I made it through the night and managed with ice chips to soothe my throat.
December 3rd the Dr approve the removal of the NG tube...I had tears in my eyes when they told me and I cried because I was so happy after it was out. I was now going to graduate to a fluid diet...soft solid the next day and regular on the day after. Whoooooohoooooo.
Johnny supplied me with lots of movies as I had my laptop to keep me company and my blackberry to stay in touch with everyone!! Mom sent me many emails which were wonderful and Alanna and Laura stayed in touch every day. Paula sent some uplifting texts as well as Rose.
They decided to let me go home on December 5th!!! Soooo happy!! The surgeon removed the surgical drain tube......
it was basically empty by the time they removed it....NOT like the photo above which was taken 2 days after surgery. I know it is kind of gross but I find it fascinating.
My Frankenstein surgical staples were also removed!! It took about 20 minutes to remove about 35 staples...I couldn't watch...only because I had to lie down flat. I counted as they were pulled as I could hear the clink of the staple as it hit the bottom of the bowl.
I got dressed, did make up, packed up bags, tidied up flowers and cleaned window ledge, had breakfast and waited for Johnny....my hero come to take me home.
This part of my journey is over.....Many thanks to the nursing team on the D-wing of the 6th floor and of course to Dr. Covens and Dr. Luc...my life was in your hands and you have given it back so I can move on to the next chapter of this journey.
Tuesday 21 February 2012
Just a word of advice.....water..
Drink lots and lots and lots of "good" water. Do your research on how you wish to fulfil this. I chose to purchase a "gravity water filter system". I picked up a Santevia system at my local health food store, Vital Planet. It has a ceramic pre-filter and a secondary 5 stage filter. It takes about 4 hours for the water to filter through. The final product tastes so pure and light.
Stay away from the plastic bottles that come in the 12 and 24 packs at the grocery store. They are bad, bad bad...BAD for you. In fact avoid all plastic packaging when ever you can.
I even went as far as to purchase a filter for my shower. Few people think about the fact that flouride and the many other chemicals that are added to treat our water are absorbed more quickly into our skin during a shower than by drinking it!
Water...the nectar of the Gods. Chug-a-lug...
Stay away from the plastic bottles that come in the 12 and 24 packs at the grocery store. They are bad, bad bad...BAD for you. In fact avoid all plastic packaging when ever you can.
I even went as far as to purchase a filter for my shower. Few people think about the fact that flouride and the many other chemicals that are added to treat our water are absorbed more quickly into our skin during a shower than by drinking it!
Water...the nectar of the Gods. Chug-a-lug...
4. Hysterectomy/Oncology 101
John and I made our way to Sunnybrook's Odette Cancer Center on the 26th of October. We held each other's hands a little tighter than normal as we walked from the parking lot to the center. Upon entering we checked in at the main reception and were directed over to the area where Dr. Covens saw his patients. The entire main floor was quite large and made up of blood labs, dr's exam rooms, a pharmacy ,one of the chemotherapy wings and a symptom screening kiosk. Downstairs you could find more chemo sections, a theater, a wig center and a sandwich restaurant.
Together, we waited to be seen. Looking around it was amazing to see the hundreds of people coming and going. It really struck you just how encompassing this horrible disease was over the human race and just how many people were affected on any one day. I refused to let the tempting negativity take over me. John and I joked together, as we normally do....trying to find the humour wherever we could. I felt the eyes of others on us when we laughed together but I refused again to feel I had to be in this somber "cancer" state that life was over with no room for life, laughter and love.
Dr. Covens and his nursing team, Ingrid being his head nurse, were all very efficient and made me feel at ease considering they were delivering some life changing details of what lay ahead of me. Some of the questions I remembered to ask were answered and others flew out the window with the information being unloaded on me. Bottom line he told me that a full hysterectomy was advised along with removal anything closely connected as well as a large number of lymph nodes were to be removed. The purpose of the surgery would be to remove the area that had been affected by the original cyst and to help ensure that any cancer cells that might have spread were removed as much as possible. The exact surgery to take place was: "Laparoscopic hysterectomy + right salping oophorectomy, + pelvic and para aortic lymph node disection and omentectomy". I signed the consent form and surgery was booked for November 24th. I felt empowered and kind of excited that I was doing what was best to save my life.
I was scheduled for a CT scan for the 2nd of November and full blood work was to be taken.
The day following my consultation with Dr. Covens I got my period. I sat and cried many tears as this would be my last one EVER. Go figure! I never thought I would be so sad NOT to have my period. I know I will always be a woman but there is something about losing that part of you forever. The reality that I would never be able to get pregnant again and share having a child with John hit me hard. I loved John so much and my heart broke that if he loved me and spent the rest of his life with me he would never experience fatherhood. But then again who knows what the future holds and he may one day still get to have that joy....
On November 1st I went for my consultation with Dr. Laframboise at Princess Margaret Hospital. This world renowned hospital was a "cancer" center in it's entirety. My sister in law Laura Dias came with me to be my support....it was so wonderful to have her there by my side. Dr. Laframboise was very pleasant and being a woman made you feel slightly more connected to the experience than Dr. Covens but then again bed side manners during the surgery itself was a moot point. She basically confirmed what was planned by Dr. Covens and said he was more senior and experienced than she was and that I was in extremely good hands. She also said that she would not be able to organize a quicker operating time than what was being offered at Sunnybrook. I was not about to put this off any longer than necessary. She offered some useful information about the chemotherapy I would most likely have after the surgery. Carboplatin and Taxol would be the chemo cocktail to be received every 3 weeks for a total of 6 sessions and that I would lose my hair. (another google topic!) It was another sobering information day but I was feeling better knowing my surgery would be done by one of the best.
On November 4th I received a package in the mail. I opened it to discover a beautiful quilt. Laura had sent me one of Victoria's cancer Quilts with the scripture from Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". The quilt was blue and white with a few floral patterns in some of the blue sections. Once again I sat and cried at her loving thoughtfulness. It was such a wonderful feeling knowing I had such an amazing friend and sister on my "survival team".
The next few weeks leading up to my surgery were filled with being crazy busy at work,with eating more healthy than ever before and with undergoing a top to bottom cleaning and organzing of the house. God forbid something happened during surgery I wanted my house in order so no one else had to do it. It was a cleansing not just of personal belongings but of my heart and soul as well......
Together, we waited to be seen. Looking around it was amazing to see the hundreds of people coming and going. It really struck you just how encompassing this horrible disease was over the human race and just how many people were affected on any one day. I refused to let the tempting negativity take over me. John and I joked together, as we normally do....trying to find the humour wherever we could. I felt the eyes of others on us when we laughed together but I refused again to feel I had to be in this somber "cancer" state that life was over with no room for life, laughter and love.
Dr. Covens and his nursing team, Ingrid being his head nurse, were all very efficient and made me feel at ease considering they were delivering some life changing details of what lay ahead of me. Some of the questions I remembered to ask were answered and others flew out the window with the information being unloaded on me. Bottom line he told me that a full hysterectomy was advised along with removal anything closely connected as well as a large number of lymph nodes were to be removed. The purpose of the surgery would be to remove the area that had been affected by the original cyst and to help ensure that any cancer cells that might have spread were removed as much as possible. The exact surgery to take place was: "Laparoscopic hysterectomy + right salping oophorectomy, + pelvic and para aortic lymph node disection and omentectomy". I signed the consent form and surgery was booked for November 24th. I felt empowered and kind of excited that I was doing what was best to save my life.
I was scheduled for a CT scan for the 2nd of November and full blood work was to be taken.
The day following my consultation with Dr. Covens I got my period. I sat and cried many tears as this would be my last one EVER. Go figure! I never thought I would be so sad NOT to have my period. I know I will always be a woman but there is something about losing that part of you forever. The reality that I would never be able to get pregnant again and share having a child with John hit me hard. I loved John so much and my heart broke that if he loved me and spent the rest of his life with me he would never experience fatherhood. But then again who knows what the future holds and he may one day still get to have that joy....
On November 1st I went for my consultation with Dr. Laframboise at Princess Margaret Hospital. This world renowned hospital was a "cancer" center in it's entirety. My sister in law Laura Dias came with me to be my support....it was so wonderful to have her there by my side. Dr. Laframboise was very pleasant and being a woman made you feel slightly more connected to the experience than Dr. Covens but then again bed side manners during the surgery itself was a moot point. She basically confirmed what was planned by Dr. Covens and said he was more senior and experienced than she was and that I was in extremely good hands. She also said that she would not be able to organize a quicker operating time than what was being offered at Sunnybrook. I was not about to put this off any longer than necessary. She offered some useful information about the chemotherapy I would most likely have after the surgery. Carboplatin and Taxol would be the chemo cocktail to be received every 3 weeks for a total of 6 sessions and that I would lose my hair. (another google topic!) It was another sobering information day but I was feeling better knowing my surgery would be done by one of the best.
On November 4th I received a package in the mail. I opened it to discover a beautiful quilt. Laura had sent me one of Victoria's cancer Quilts with the scripture from Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". The quilt was blue and white with a few floral patterns in some of the blue sections. Once again I sat and cried at her loving thoughtfulness. It was such a wonderful feeling knowing I had such an amazing friend and sister on my "survival team".
The next few weeks leading up to my surgery were filled with being crazy busy at work,with eating more healthy than ever before and with undergoing a top to bottom cleaning and organzing of the house. God forbid something happened during surgery I wanted my house in order so no one else had to do it. It was a cleansing not just of personal belongings but of my heart and soul as well......
Wednesday 15 February 2012
3. What happens now?........The Fight begins...
The week following "the news" was filled with eye opening and frightening realizations. I had confided in Sandra Ashford, one of Widdicombe Place's penthouse residents . She has a wealth of knowledge and is connected to a number of people who are "connected". She jumped on the phone right away and contacted an aquaintance who is a part of The Odette Cancer Foundation at Sunnybrook Hospital. Sandra herself is a financial contributor in support of The Odette Center and involved in charity work through her church. She gave me the phone number for Dr. Covens who is supposed to be one of the best Gynecological Oncologists, especially with Ovarian cancers. I immediately called Dr. Stein's office to have them request a consult with Dr. Covens. I was now in the works for 2 consultations, one at Sunnybrook and one at Princess Margaret. Now I had to wait to see who had the first opening. I would go to both to make sure I was armed with the best solutions.
Sandra was amazing with her "take charge of your own health journey" advice. She told me to get in contact with Dr. Stein and get a copy of my pathology report right away. She said she would also send my report to a group of Dr's close to her family in New York to see what they advised. The more you know the better. She told me to make a list of questions I needed answers to and to not stop until I got them! I have Sandra to thank for giving me the incentive during this scary, unknown stage, to take charge of my life and not to feel sorry for myself. I have always been the type of person wanting to know the answers to everything, researching until I considered myself an "expert" or at least as well informed as I possibly could be and it felt good to have another mission.
Hence began my "Google self diagnosing journey"! I felt the first step was to begin the healing process right away by filling my mind with answers to all of the fearful questions I had. I did use my office at Widdicombe (sorry Realstar) to "research" and print off information on Ovarian cancers, staging, reviews on Dr. covens, foods to eat...foods to avoid, survival rates, what happens with hysterectomies, and the list goes on. I started putting up a "protective shield of knowledge"...it went up pretty fast but here and there it would begin to crumble when I read the statistics on survival. Largely that survival was associatated with what stage and grade of cancer you have, especially with ovarian cancers where the abdominal cavity was such an open area for spreading and cancer growth. I started driving myself into moments of despair.
Once I received my pathology report from Dr. Stein I sat there reading it with a renewed sense of shock and horror as certain key words jumped out at me; "malignant tumor of ovary, high grade, epithelial /clear cell carcinoma". I read it over and over and knew I had to look up every word I didn't understand as it was written in the language that only pathologists and Dr's comprehend clearly.
I kept myself extremely busy at work. There were some major changes taking place with the retirement of one of our Senior Resident manager couples, who lived on site at Widdicombe Place, and the anticipated transfer of a new couple to take their place. The current couple were not working anymore and I, along with my 2 assistant resident manger couples were holding things together. I could not have managed without them but being insanely busy kept my mind off constantly focusing on the unknowns of the tragedy my life had become. I'm not sure the stress was good for me but I know for a fact that it helped with my mindset. I worked my ass off up until the day of my surgery. I even had an amazing "girls night". Rose, Isabelle myself and a few others went to The Old Mill for dinner and dancing. It was a blast. It felt amazing to get dressed up and feel like a woman, to go out and feel alive. A few cocktails made me emotional and I felt the conversation kept going back to my cancer but I could not help it. I was not going to hide and deny it was a part of my life but I did not want it controlling me. I ate, drank and was merry. Today was the day I officially quit smoking. I had quit the day I found out I had cancer but gave in a few times and had a drag or two. No more!
I finally received a call from Dr. Stein's office. I had an appointment with Dr. Covens at Sunnybrook!!! Wednesday, October 26th at 10:30am I would find out my fate! I felt some peace knowing things were progressing quickly towards having any remaining cancer removed. The following week I finally received a call for an appointment at Princess Margaret with Dr. La Framboise, she too was one of the top Dr's in her field. Now I would be able to choose what was best for me based on my research.
The days following my diagnosis were tortureous, having to wait and wait for an appointment! Didn't they know I had an aggressive form of cancer?? I wanted things done immediately. I now realize that I am one of millions going through the same thing every day! I am special....but then so is everyone on this planet. :)..........
Sandra was amazing with her "take charge of your own health journey" advice. She told me to get in contact with Dr. Stein and get a copy of my pathology report right away. She said she would also send my report to a group of Dr's close to her family in New York to see what they advised. The more you know the better. She told me to make a list of questions I needed answers to and to not stop until I got them! I have Sandra to thank for giving me the incentive during this scary, unknown stage, to take charge of my life and not to feel sorry for myself. I have always been the type of person wanting to know the answers to everything, researching until I considered myself an "expert" or at least as well informed as I possibly could be and it felt good to have another mission.
Hence began my "Google self diagnosing journey"! I felt the first step was to begin the healing process right away by filling my mind with answers to all of the fearful questions I had. I did use my office at Widdicombe (sorry Realstar) to "research" and print off information on Ovarian cancers, staging, reviews on Dr. covens, foods to eat...foods to avoid, survival rates, what happens with hysterectomies, and the list goes on. I started putting up a "protective shield of knowledge"...it went up pretty fast but here and there it would begin to crumble when I read the statistics on survival. Largely that survival was associatated with what stage and grade of cancer you have, especially with ovarian cancers where the abdominal cavity was such an open area for spreading and cancer growth. I started driving myself into moments of despair.
Once I received my pathology report from Dr. Stein I sat there reading it with a renewed sense of shock and horror as certain key words jumped out at me; "malignant tumor of ovary, high grade, epithelial /clear cell carcinoma". I read it over and over and knew I had to look up every word I didn't understand as it was written in the language that only pathologists and Dr's comprehend clearly.
I kept myself extremely busy at work. There were some major changes taking place with the retirement of one of our Senior Resident manager couples, who lived on site at Widdicombe Place, and the anticipated transfer of a new couple to take their place. The current couple were not working anymore and I, along with my 2 assistant resident manger couples were holding things together. I could not have managed without them but being insanely busy kept my mind off constantly focusing on the unknowns of the tragedy my life had become. I'm not sure the stress was good for me but I know for a fact that it helped with my mindset. I worked my ass off up until the day of my surgery. I even had an amazing "girls night". Rose, Isabelle myself and a few others went to The Old Mill for dinner and dancing. It was a blast. It felt amazing to get dressed up and feel like a woman, to go out and feel alive. A few cocktails made me emotional and I felt the conversation kept going back to my cancer but I could not help it. I was not going to hide and deny it was a part of my life but I did not want it controlling me. I ate, drank and was merry. Today was the day I officially quit smoking. I had quit the day I found out I had cancer but gave in a few times and had a drag or two. No more!
I finally received a call from Dr. Stein's office. I had an appointment with Dr. Covens at Sunnybrook!!! Wednesday, October 26th at 10:30am I would find out my fate! I felt some peace knowing things were progressing quickly towards having any remaining cancer removed. The following week I finally received a call for an appointment at Princess Margaret with Dr. La Framboise, she too was one of the top Dr's in her field. Now I would be able to choose what was best for me based on my research.
The days following my diagnosis were tortureous, having to wait and wait for an appointment! Didn't they know I had an aggressive form of cancer?? I wanted things done immediately. I now realize that I am one of millions going through the same thing every day! I am special....but then so is everyone on this planet. :)..........
Saturday 11 February 2012
Just a word of advice...if you feel a lump in your abdomen, go to your Doctor right away! Have an ultra sound done immediately and if they tell you that you have a cyst......don't wait 6-8 weeks to have another ultra sound done. Insist and make sure that the nature of the cyst is not complex. If it is a certain size....ask to have it removed regardless of the nature. I just wish there was a better way of detecting "cancerous ovarian cysts". The scary thing is that once cancer spreads from the ovary to other areas in the abdomen......the harder it will be to treat or cure.
2. "Shock and Awe......."
8:20 am -Tuesday, October 18th, 2011: I was shown into an exam room at the office of Dr. Stein, my surgical gynecologist. I figured I would get this appointment over with first thing in the morning and get back to work right away. Dr. Stein walked in wishing me a good morning and sat on his stool, pulling up my file on a nearby computer. There was an uncomfortable silence as he typed and waited for the screen to warm up. After opening my file he proceeded to tell me that "your results are in from pathology and the cyst that was removed is cancerous".
Really hard to explain how one feels exactly in that moment.....shock and awe....months later I can still remember the feeling of life standing still around me as if I was in a scene from one of those sad and emotional movies where the main actress has been told "you have cancer". You never expect to hear it yourself.
I felt a little stunned, as the cyst removal was supposed to be routine. I went numb for a brief moment, teared up and felt more alone then I have ever remembered experiencing. I had no one to turn to at that moment to share in my devestation...no one. I therefore immediately forced myself into a false sense of acceptance that "it is what it is and I can't do anything now to change this reality. I can only deal with it and move forward". I waivered between my new found strength and falling to my knees.
Dr. Stein continued to shatter any stability I had left by saying "it is a rare strain of cancer and is very aggressive,.... it is not a common ovarian cancer". He expressed his own shock and disappointment with the outcome of pathology as my ovarian blood test (CA125) had been negative. He said due to the nature of my cancer the CA125 test was ineffective in reading any possible positive levels. He informed me that the results had been sent to Princess Margaret to be analyzed further and that I would be referred to one of their Oncologist/specialist. "You will be having further surgeries". He explained that a hysterectomy would be the next likely step as well as disection and testing of lymph nodes. I wanted to ask him a few questions but he stopped me by saying this was not his area of expertise. He told me that his assistant, Louise, would have my appointment arranged as soon as possible and that if I had any questions to call anytime. What was the point if he didn't have the answers!
He asked to take a look at my surgical wounds before I left. "Looks great" he said.....inside I said to myself "big whooopdy doo.....I have cancer!!" From what he said I had more scars to look forward to.
As I walked to the elevator I started gasping for breath, sobbing, tears streaming down my face as I tried to wrap my mind around what was happening. We do not ever know exactly what our futures hold but now mine was more uncertain than ever and the fear of the unknown was unbearable. The thought of leaving my Johnny and my dear son Neiman behind, dying, not getting to grow old with family and friends was making my heart feel like lead. The elevator ride down was the longest I've ever remembered.
I made it outside where I called John to give him the news. He immediately became my wall of strength. He told me to calm down, take a deep breath and be positve...that everything would be okay. He has a way of bringing peace to bad situations. I often thought he was escaping and not dealing with reality in the past but now saw how I badly I needed to hear his words.
I called Laura, my friend and sister in law, to let her know as well. She is a kindred sister spirit and gives you NO choice but to focus on good energy, good attitude and to seek the positive love of family and friends. She let me know that she would be by my side no matter what and that "we" would get through this. She ironically had been to Chapters book store a few days prior and been compelled to turn around in the store and look at an author who was having a book signing. His name was Moss Buchanan. He was a cancer survivor and had written "You Can Prevent and Reverse Cancer". Laura purchased the book and had it signed. Little did she know at the time that this book would become part of the foundation of knowledge and strength that made up my protective shield.
My sister Alanna responded back and was equally loving and supportive....my baby sister was another source of comfort on this day of black days. My parents were still in Myrtle Beach. I called and left them a message as well. They were devestated and felt sick at being so far away.
My Senior District manager, Rose, told me to take a taxi to work and not put myself on public transit. She is also a good friend and made it clear that she would do whatever she could to help me and encourgaged me to remain positive.
My sister Rhonda, who lives in Florida, called me that day out of the blue while I was at work. This has never happened before and calls between us had been sporadic. Sadly months could go by before talked next. We have always been close though :) The timing of her call has never failed to call my attention to the spiritual side of my life. She is very much a Christian and I knew there was a reason she just happened to call me that afternoon, not even knowing yet what was going on. Of course we cried together and I knew her prayers would be fervent and powerful.
My sister in law, Paula was devestated by the news as were most of the people close to me. She, however, has had a double whammy having lost her 1st husband Don to cancer. She had to suffer and be strong as she watched her husband die and I knew she would feel the pain her brother woud have to endure if I didn't kick this. She offered to research and help in any way she could.
With John's love and the amazing positive strength of family and friends I felt the first few rays of light and hope fill my heart and soul. Time to face the music and take control as best I could over the next stage of what has now become my "cancer journey".......
Really hard to explain how one feels exactly in that moment.....shock and awe....months later I can still remember the feeling of life standing still around me as if I was in a scene from one of those sad and emotional movies where the main actress has been told "you have cancer". You never expect to hear it yourself.
I felt a little stunned, as the cyst removal was supposed to be routine. I went numb for a brief moment, teared up and felt more alone then I have ever remembered experiencing. I had no one to turn to at that moment to share in my devestation...no one. I therefore immediately forced myself into a false sense of acceptance that "it is what it is and I can't do anything now to change this reality. I can only deal with it and move forward". I waivered between my new found strength and falling to my knees.
Dr. Stein continued to shatter any stability I had left by saying "it is a rare strain of cancer and is very aggressive,.... it is not a common ovarian cancer". He expressed his own shock and disappointment with the outcome of pathology as my ovarian blood test (CA125) had been negative. He said due to the nature of my cancer the CA125 test was ineffective in reading any possible positive levels. He informed me that the results had been sent to Princess Margaret to be analyzed further and that I would be referred to one of their Oncologist/specialist. "You will be having further surgeries". He explained that a hysterectomy would be the next likely step as well as disection and testing of lymph nodes. I wanted to ask him a few questions but he stopped me by saying this was not his area of expertise. He told me that his assistant, Louise, would have my appointment arranged as soon as possible and that if I had any questions to call anytime. What was the point if he didn't have the answers!
He asked to take a look at my surgical wounds before I left. "Looks great" he said.....inside I said to myself "big whooopdy doo.....I have cancer!!" From what he said I had more scars to look forward to.
As I walked to the elevator I started gasping for breath, sobbing, tears streaming down my face as I tried to wrap my mind around what was happening. We do not ever know exactly what our futures hold but now mine was more uncertain than ever and the fear of the unknown was unbearable. The thought of leaving my Johnny and my dear son Neiman behind, dying, not getting to grow old with family and friends was making my heart feel like lead. The elevator ride down was the longest I've ever remembered.
I made it outside where I called John to give him the news. He immediately became my wall of strength. He told me to calm down, take a deep breath and be positve...that everything would be okay. He has a way of bringing peace to bad situations. I often thought he was escaping and not dealing with reality in the past but now saw how I badly I needed to hear his words.
I called Laura, my friend and sister in law, to let her know as well. She is a kindred sister spirit and gives you NO choice but to focus on good energy, good attitude and to seek the positive love of family and friends. She let me know that she would be by my side no matter what and that "we" would get through this. She ironically had been to Chapters book store a few days prior and been compelled to turn around in the store and look at an author who was having a book signing. His name was Moss Buchanan. He was a cancer survivor and had written "You Can Prevent and Reverse Cancer". Laura purchased the book and had it signed. Little did she know at the time that this book would become part of the foundation of knowledge and strength that made up my protective shield.
My sister Alanna responded back and was equally loving and supportive....my baby sister was another source of comfort on this day of black days. My parents were still in Myrtle Beach. I called and left them a message as well. They were devestated and felt sick at being so far away.
My Senior District manager, Rose, told me to take a taxi to work and not put myself on public transit. She is also a good friend and made it clear that she would do whatever she could to help me and encourgaged me to remain positive.
My sister Rhonda, who lives in Florida, called me that day out of the blue while I was at work. This has never happened before and calls between us had been sporadic. Sadly months could go by before talked next. We have always been close though :) The timing of her call has never failed to call my attention to the spiritual side of my life. She is very much a Christian and I knew there was a reason she just happened to call me that afternoon, not even knowing yet what was going on. Of course we cried together and I knew her prayers would be fervent and powerful.
My sister in law, Paula was devestated by the news as were most of the people close to me. She, however, has had a double whammy having lost her 1st husband Don to cancer. She had to suffer and be strong as she watched her husband die and I knew she would feel the pain her brother woud have to endure if I didn't kick this. She offered to research and help in any way she could.
With John's love and the amazing positive strength of family and friends I felt the first few rays of light and hope fill my heart and soul. Time to face the music and take control as best I could over the next stage of what has now become my "cancer journey".......
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