Just a word of advice.....water..

Drink lots and lots and lots of "good" water. Do your research on how you wish to fulfil this. I chose to purchase a "gravity water filter system".   I picked up a Santevia system at my local health food store, Vital Planet. It has a ceramic pre-filter and a secondary 5 stage filter. It takes about 4 hours for the water to filter through. The final product tastes so pure and light.

Stay away from the plastic bottles that come in the 12 and 24 packs at the grocery store. They are bad, bad bad...BAD for you. In fact avoid all plastic packaging when ever you can.
I even went as far as to purchase a filter for my shower.  Few people think about the fact that flouride and the many other chemicals that are added to treat our water are absorbed more quickly into our skin during a shower than by drinking it!

Water...the nectar of the Gods. Chug-a-lug...

4. Hysterectomy/Oncology 101

John and I made our way to Sunnybrook's Odette Cancer Center on the 26th of October. We held each other's hands a little tighter than normal as we walked from the parking lot to the center. Upon entering we checked in at the main reception and were directed over to the area where Dr. Covens saw his patients. The entire main floor was quite large and made up of blood labs, dr's exam rooms, a pharmacy ,one of the chemotherapy wings and a symptom screening kiosk. Downstairs you could find more chemo sections, a theater, a wig center and a sandwich restaurant.

Together, we waited to be seen. Looking around it was amazing to see the hundreds of people coming and going. It really struck you just how encompassing this horrible disease was over the human race and just how many people were affected on any one day. I refused to let the tempting negativity take over me. John and I joked together, as we normally do....trying to find the humour wherever we could. I felt the eyes of others on us when we laughed together but I refused again to feel I had to be in this somber "cancer" state that life was over with no room for life, laughter and love.

Dr. Covens and his nursing team, Ingrid being his head nurse, were all very efficient and made me feel at ease considering they were delivering some life changing details of what lay ahead of me. Some of the questions I remembered to ask were answered and others flew out the window with the information being unloaded on me. Bottom line he told me that a full hysterectomy was advised along with removal anything closely connected as well as a large number of lymph nodes were to be removed. The purpose of the surgery would be to remove the area that had been affected by the original cyst and to help ensure that any cancer cells that might have spread were removed as much as possible. The exact surgery to take place was: "Laparoscopic hysterectomy + right salping oophorectomy, + pelvic and para aortic lymph node disection and omentectomy".  I signed the consent form and surgery was booked for November 24th. I felt empowered and kind of excited that I was doing what was best to save my life.

I was scheduled for a CT scan for the 2nd of November and full blood work was to be taken.

The day following my consultation with Dr. Covens I got my period. I sat and cried many tears as this would be my last one EVER. Go figure! I never thought I would be so sad NOT to have my period. I know I will always be a woman but there is something about losing that part of you forever.  The reality that I would never be able to get pregnant again and share having a child with John hit me hard. I loved John so much and my heart broke that if he loved me and spent the rest of his life with me he would never experience fatherhood. But then again who knows what the future holds and he may one day still get to have that joy....

On November 1st I went for my consultation with Dr. Laframboise at Princess Margaret Hospital. This world renowned hospital was a "cancer" center in it's entirety. My sister in law Laura Dias came with me to be my support....it was so wonderful to have her there by my side.   Dr. Laframboise was very pleasant and being a woman made you feel slightly more connected to the experience than Dr. Covens but then again bed side manners during the surgery itself was a moot point. She basically confirmed what was planned by Dr. Covens and said he was more senior and experienced than she was and that I was in extremely good hands. She also said that she would not be able to organize a quicker operating time than what was being offered at Sunnybrook. I was not about to put this off any longer than necessary. She offered some useful information about the chemotherapy I would most likely have after the surgery. Carboplatin and Taxol would be the chemo cocktail to be received every 3 weeks for a total of 6 sessions and that I would lose my hair. (another google topic!) It was another sobering information day but I was feeling better knowing my surgery would be done by one of the best.

On November 4th I received a package in the mail. I opened it to discover a beautiful quilt. Laura had sent me one of Victoria's cancer Quilts with the scripture from Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go". The quilt was blue and white with a few floral patterns in some of the blue sections. Once again I sat and cried at her loving thoughtfulness. It was such a wonderful feeling knowing I had such an amazing friend and sister on my "survival team". 

The next few weeks leading up to my surgery were filled with being crazy busy at work,with eating more healthy than ever before and with undergoing a top to bottom cleaning and organzing of the house. God forbid something happened during surgery I wanted my house in order so no one else had to do it. It was a cleansing not just of personal belongings but of my heart and soul as well......

3. What happens now?........The Fight begins...

The week following "the news" was filled with  eye opening and frightening realizations. I had confided in Sandra Ashford, one of Widdicombe Place's penthouse residents . She has a wealth of knowledge and is connected to a number of people who are "connected". She jumped on the phone right away and contacted an aquaintance who is a part of The Odette Cancer Foundation at Sunnybrook Hospital. Sandra herself is a financial contributor in support of The Odette Center and involved in charity work through her church. She gave me the phone number for Dr. Covens who is supposed to be one of the best Gynecological Oncologists, especially with Ovarian cancers. I immediately called Dr. Stein's office to have them request a consult with Dr. Covens. I was now in the works for 2 consultations, one at Sunnybrook and one at Princess Margaret. Now I had to wait to see who had the first opening. I would go to both to make sure I was armed with the best solutions.

Sandra was amazing with her "take charge of your own health journey" advice. She told me to get in contact with Dr. Stein and get a copy of my pathology report right away. She said she would also send my report to a group of Dr's close to her family in New York to see what they advised. The more you know the better.  She told me to make a list of questions I needed answers to and to not stop until I got them! I have Sandra to thank for giving me the incentive during this scary, unknown stage, to take charge of my life and not to feel sorry for myself. I have always been the type of person wanting to know the answers to everything, researching until I considered myself an "expert" or at least as well informed as I possibly could be and it felt good to have another mission.

Hence began my "Google self diagnosing journey"! I felt the first step was to begin the healing process right away by filling my mind with answers to all of the fearful questions I had. I did use my office at Widdicombe (sorry Realstar) to "research" and print off information on Ovarian cancers, staging, reviews on Dr. covens, foods to eat...foods to avoid, survival rates, what happens with hysterectomies, and the list goes on. I started putting up a "protective shield of knowledge"...it went up pretty fast but here and there it would begin to crumble when I read the statistics on survival. Largely that survival was associatated with what stage and grade of cancer you have, especially with ovarian cancers where the abdominal cavity was such an open area for spreading and cancer growth. I started driving myself into moments of despair.

Once I received my pathology report from Dr. Stein I sat there reading it with a renewed sense of shock and horror as certain key words jumped out at me; "malignant tumor of ovary, high grade, epithelial /clear cell carcinoma". I read it over and over and knew I had to look up every word I didn't understand as it was written in the language that only pathologists and Dr's comprehend clearly.

I kept myself extremely busy at work. There were some major changes taking place with the retirement of one of our Senior Resident manager couples, who lived on site at Widdicombe Place, and the anticipated transfer of a new couple to take their place. The current couple were not working anymore and I, along with my 2 assistant resident manger couples were holding things together. I could not have managed without them but being insanely busy kept my mind off constantly focusing on the unknowns of the tragedy my life had become. I'm not sure the stress was good for me but I know for a fact that it helped with my mindset. I worked my ass off up until the day of my surgery. I even had an amazing "girls night". Rose, Isabelle myself and a few others went to The Old Mill for dinner and dancing. It was a blast. It felt amazing to get dressed up and feel like a woman, to go out and feel alive. A few cocktails made me emotional and I felt the conversation kept going back to my cancer but I could not help it. I was not going to hide and deny it was a part of my life but I did not want it controlling me. I ate, drank and was merry. Today was the day I officially quit smoking. I had quit the day I found out I had cancer but gave in a few times and had a drag or two. No more!

I finally received a call from Dr. Stein's office. I had an appointment with Dr. Covens at Sunnybrook!!! Wednesday, October 26th at 10:30am I would find out my fate! I felt some peace knowing things were progressing quickly towards having any remaining cancer removed. The following week I finally received a call for an appointment at Princess Margaret with Dr. La Framboise, she too was one of the top Dr's in her field. Now I would be able to choose what was best for me based on my research.

The days following my diagnosis were tortureous, having to wait and wait for an appointment! Didn't they know I had an aggressive form of cancer?? I wanted things done immediately. I now realize that I am one of millions going through the same thing every day! I am special....but then so is everyone on this planet. :)..........

Just a word of advice...if you feel a lump in your abdomen, go to your Doctor right away! Have an ultra sound done immediately and if they tell you that you have a cyst......don't wait 6-8 weeks to have another ultra sound done. Insist and make sure that the nature of the cyst is not complex. If it is a certain size....ask to have it removed regardless of the nature. I just wish there was a better way of detecting "cancerous ovarian cysts". The scary thing is that once cancer spreads from the ovary to other areas in the abdomen......the harder it will be to treat or cure.

2. "Shock and Awe......."

8:20 am -Tuesday, October 18th, 2011: I was shown into an exam room at the office of Dr. Stein, my surgical gynecologist. I figured I would get this  appointment over with first thing in the morning and get back to work right away. Dr. Stein walked in wishing me a good morning and sat on his stool, pulling up my file on a nearby computer. There was an uncomfortable silence as he typed and waited for the screen to warm up. After opening my file he proceeded to tell me that "your results are in  from pathology and the cyst that was removed  is cancerous".

Really hard to explain how one feels exactly in that moment.....shock and awe....months later I can still remember the feeling of life standing still around me as if I was in a scene from one of those sad and emotional movies where the main actress has been told "you have cancer". You never expect to hear it yourself.

I felt a little stunned, as the cyst removal was supposed to be routine. I went numb for a brief moment, teared up and felt more alone then I have ever remembered experiencing. I had no one to turn to at that moment to share in my devestation...no one. I therefore immediately forced myself into a false sense of acceptance that "it is what it is and I can't do anything now to change this reality. I can only deal with it and move forward". I waivered between my new found strength and falling to my knees.

Dr. Stein continued to shatter any stability I had left by saying "it is a rare strain of cancer and is very aggressive,.... it is not a common ovarian cancer". He expressed his own shock and disappointment with the outcome of pathology as my ovarian blood test (CA125) had been negative. He said due to the nature of my cancer the CA125 test was ineffective in reading any possible positive levels. He informed me that the results had been sent to Princess Margaret to be analyzed further and that I would be referred to one of their Oncologist/specialist.  "You will be having further surgeries". He explained that a hysterectomy would be the next likely step as well as disection and testing of lymph nodes. I wanted to ask him a few questions but he stopped me by saying this was not his area of expertise. He told me that his assistant, Louise, would have my appointment arranged as soon as possible and that if I had any questions to call anytime. What was the point if he didn't have the answers!

He asked to take a look at my surgical wounds before I left. "Looks great" he said.....inside I said to myself "big whooopdy doo.....I have cancer!!" From what he said I had more scars to look forward to.

As I walked to the elevator I started gasping for breath, sobbing, tears streaming down my face as I tried to wrap my mind around what was happening. We do not ever know exactly what our futures hold but now mine was more uncertain than ever and the fear of the unknown was unbearable. The thought of leaving my Johnny and my dear son Neiman behind, dying, not getting to grow old with family and friends was making my heart feel like lead. The elevator ride down was the longest I've ever remembered.

I made  it outside where I called John to give him the news. He immediately became my wall of strength. He told me to calm down, take a deep breath and be positve...that everything would be okay. He has a way of bringing peace to bad situations. I often thought he was escaping and not dealing with reality in the past but now saw how I badly I needed to hear his words.

I called Laura, my friend and sister in law, to let her know as well. She is a kindred sister spirit and gives you NO choice but to focus on good energy, good attitude and to seek the positive love of family and friends. She let me know that she would be by my side no matter what and that "we" would get through this. She ironically had been to Chapters book store a few days prior and been compelled to turn around in the store and look at an author who was having a book signing. His name was Moss Buchanan. He was a cancer survivor and had written "You Can Prevent and Reverse Cancer". Laura purchased the book and had it signed. Little did she know at the time that this book would become part of the foundation of knowledge and strength that made up my protective shield.

My sister Alanna responded back and was equally loving and supportive....my baby sister was another source of comfort on this day of black days. My parents were still in Myrtle Beach. I called and left them a message as well. They were devestated and felt sick at being so far away.

My Senior District manager, Rose, told me to take a taxi to work and not put myself on public transit. She is also a good friend and made it clear that she would do whatever she could to help me and encourgaged me to remain positive.

My sister Rhonda, who lives in Florida, called me that day out of the blue while I was at work. This has never happened before and calls between us had been sporadic. Sadly months could go by before talked next. We have always been close though :) The timing of her call has never failed to call my attention to the spiritual side of my life. She is very much a Christian and I knew there was a reason she just happened to call me that afternoon, not even knowing yet what was going on. Of course we cried together and I knew her prayers would be fervent and powerful.

My sister in law, Paula was devestated by the news as were most of the people close to me. She, however, has had a double whammy having lost her 1st husband Don to cancer. She had to suffer and be strong as she watched her husband die and I knew she would feel the pain her brother woud have to endure if I didn't kick this. She offered to research and help in any way she could.

With John's love and the amazing positive strength of family and friends I felt the first few rays of light and hope fill my heart and soul. Time  to face the music and take control as best I could over the next stage of what has now become my "cancer journey".......

1.The Beginning of the Journey....

Where to begin, I guess it started for me when I felt, on my own, a lump in my lower abdomen on the left side, This was sometime during the month of  May, 2011 shortly after my annual physical at which time there was nothing abnormal during the exam. I decided to wait a bit to see if it was maybe a cyst that would go away with my next cycle, but it did not. I called an made an another appointment to see Dr Tina Liu-P'ng. She saw me right away. As she felt the lump she commented that it definitely had not been there in Mid April....it was now the Beginning of June. I was given a requistion for an Ultra sound, it was scheduled for the 15th of June, however she said if I felt a lot of sudden pain to go to Emergency right away. I decided to go to Emergency at Trillium near Sherway a few days later as I was in a lot of discomfort and did not want to wait any longer. I was examined by the Dr on call and sent for an ultra sound. The on call Dr. went over the results. It was a cyst on my left ovary, 6-8 cm, which appeared hemoragic (filled with blood and fluid), it also appeared that it was leaking. I was told to return to my family Dr. to discus results. My family Dr advised me to wait 6-8 weeks and then have another ultra sound done. This would determine if the cyst leaked itself away and  or passed with my period. If the cyst was getting larger she would refer me to a surgical gynecologist to have it removed for safety reasons as  it could burst and cause extreme pain and dangerous blood flow into the abdominal area.

I felt relieved that it was "just a cyst" and it was not cancerous. So, I proceeded to book a vacation to Santa Clara, Cuba for July 18 -25th. I booked an ultra sound for the 27th after my return. This would cover the 6-8 week waiting period.

The 2nd ultra sound was completed. The results showed the cyst had doubled in size! it was now 10-12 cm. I was refered to and scheduled to see Dr. Stein who had a pracise in Mississauga, right across from Trillium, at Hurontario and The Queensway. He was a young Dr and was very knowledgeable. He mentioned that he would do his best to simply remove the cyst but had to mention that depending on the complexity of the cyst once they started the surgey he might have to remove  the ovary as well. He did not seem concerned as the nature of the cyst did not appear cancerous in any way. He advised  that we schedule laparascopic surgery as soon as possible due to the speed at which the cyst was growing and the dangers if it burst. He checked his OR schedule and I was booked for September 19th.

Surgery went well but took longer than the usual 1 hour for this type of surgery, Coming out of the anesthetic Dr. Stein me informed that he had to remove my ovary as the cyst was attached to the ovary and also had attached itself to the uterine wall. He said the cyst specimen would be routinely sent over to pathology and the results would be back in 2-3 weeks. I was scheduled for a followup in November.

I did not think about the pathology again as I was busy going through the healing process from surgery. I was off work for about a week and a half. I was healing nicely and was also booked for a McNutt family vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for October 8 -15th. The trip was fantastic and I returned to work.

I received a message on my phone from Dr. Stein's office on October 17th saying that he wanted me to come in to go over results. I called back the next day and was told that I could come basically anytime the next day, 8:30, 11:30 or 2:30. She stated that he would not have called me  to come in if it was not important. I chose to go first thing on the 18th.
To be continued..............