8:20 am -Tuesday, October 18th, 2011: I was shown into an exam room at the office of Dr. Stein, my surgical gynecologist. I figured I would get this appointment over with first thing in the morning and get back to work right away. Dr. Stein walked in wishing me a good morning and sat on his stool, pulling up my file on a nearby computer. There was an uncomfortable silence as he typed and waited for the screen to warm up. After opening my file he proceeded to tell me that "your results are in from pathology and the cyst that was removed is cancerous".
Really hard to explain how one feels exactly in that moment.....shock and awe....months later I can still remember the feeling of life standing still around me as if I was in a scene from one of those sad and emotional movies where the main actress has been told "you have cancer". You never expect to hear it yourself.
I felt a little stunned, as the cyst removal was supposed to be routine. I went numb for a brief moment, teared up and felt more alone then I have ever remembered experiencing. I had no one to turn to at that moment to share in my devestation...no one. I therefore immediately forced myself into a false sense of acceptance that "it is what it is and I can't do anything now to change this reality. I can only deal with it and move forward". I waivered between my new found strength and falling to my knees.
Dr. Stein continued to shatter any stability I had left by saying "it is a rare strain of cancer and is very aggressive,.... it is not a common ovarian cancer". He expressed his own shock and disappointment with the outcome of pathology as my ovarian blood test (CA125) had been negative. He said due to the nature of my cancer the CA125 test was ineffective in reading any possible positive levels. He informed me that the results had been sent to Princess Margaret to be analyzed further and that I would be referred to one of their Oncologist/specialist. "You will be having further surgeries". He explained that a hysterectomy would be the next likely step as well as disection and testing of lymph nodes. I wanted to ask him a few questions but he stopped me by saying this was not his area of expertise. He told me that his assistant, Louise, would have my appointment arranged as soon as possible and that if I had any questions to call anytime. What was the point if he didn't have the answers!
He asked to take a look at my surgical wounds before I left. "Looks great" he said.....inside I said to myself "big whooopdy doo.....I have cancer!!" From what he said I had more scars to look forward to.
As I walked to the elevator I started gasping for breath, sobbing, tears streaming down my face as I tried to wrap my mind around what was happening. We do not ever know exactly what our futures hold but now mine was more uncertain than ever and the fear of the unknown was unbearable. The thought of leaving my Johnny and my dear son Neiman behind, dying, not getting to grow old with family and friends was making my heart feel like lead. The elevator ride down was the longest I've ever remembered.
I made it outside where I called John to give him the news. He immediately became my wall of strength. He told me to calm down, take a deep breath and be positve...that everything would be okay. He has a way of bringing peace to bad situations. I often thought he was escaping and not dealing with reality in the past but now saw how I badly I needed to hear his words.
I called Laura, my friend and sister in law, to let her know as well. She is a kindred sister spirit and gives you NO choice but to focus on good energy, good attitude and to seek the positive love of family and friends. She let me know that she would be by my side no matter what and that "we" would get through this. She ironically had been to Chapters book store a few days prior and been compelled to turn around in the store and look at an author who was having a book signing. His name was Moss Buchanan. He was a cancer survivor and had written "You Can Prevent and Reverse Cancer". Laura purchased the book and had it signed. Little did she know at the time that this book would become part of the foundation of knowledge and strength that made up my protective shield.
My sister Alanna responded back and was equally loving and supportive....my baby sister was another source of comfort on this day of black days. My parents were still in Myrtle Beach. I called and left them a message as well. They were devestated and felt sick at being so far away.
My Senior District manager, Rose, told me to take a taxi to work and not put myself on public transit. She is also a good friend and made it clear that she would do whatever she could to help me and encourgaged me to remain positive.
My sister Rhonda, who lives in Florida, called me that day out of the blue while I was at work. This has never happened before and calls between us had been sporadic. Sadly months could go by before talked next. We have always been close though :) The timing of her call has never failed to call my attention to the spiritual side of my life. She is very much a Christian and I knew there was a reason she just happened to call me that afternoon, not even knowing yet what was going on. Of course we cried together and I knew her prayers would be fervent and powerful.
My sister in law, Paula was devestated by the news as were most of the people close to me. She, however, has had a double whammy having lost her 1st husband Don to cancer. She had to suffer and be strong as she watched her husband die and I knew she would feel the pain her brother woud have to endure if I didn't kick this. She offered to research and help in any way she could.
With John's love and the amazing positive strength of family and friends I felt the first few rays of light and hope fill my heart and soul. Time to face the music and take control as best I could over the next stage of what has now become my "cancer journey".......
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